About 3 years ago, "Luis," who identifies as a Latinx Catholic, came out to their overly religious catholic family. Coming out to their family was one of the hardest thing they had ever done since the news led their family into kicking them out into the streets. The family they once knew and loved had disowned them and left them out in the cold. It was during this period that their life meant absolutely nothing and they felt more alone then ever. They turned to the second home, the church, the parish that they had grown up in since the day they were born. However, just like their family, the church turned their backs on them and condemned them for being a homosexual. Once again they were on their own and the feeling of depression started to seep in as well as the feeling of not belonging. After many years, Luis continued to stick with the church, not caring about whether or not they would be accepted by this Catholic community. The rejection and oppression that Luis faced was overcome by the strong faith they had: "the last thing I was able to hold on to." This is Luis's testimonio.
In comparison to other research methods, testimonios are the most meaningful in the sense that they tell a story. Not only do they tell stories but they give an issue a voice and in most cases a face. Since I focused on religion and the LGBTQ sexuality within the Latinx community, the individuals who I questioned gave testimonios of their experience of being LGBTQ within the Catholic church. To protect the identities of these two research participants, their names have been changed to "Franklin" and "Luis". These two gay Latinx men from New York both identify as Catholic. Both these men come from the same parish yet have different experiences within the parish: Luis is out and Franklin is still closeted.
Social Isolation Imagine being part of something your whole life, something that made you feel safe and comforted in a time of depression and anxiety. Now imagine that same place, your safe haven, turn around and reject you, discriminate against you and become the place you tried so desperately to escape from. For many people this becomes a reality when they come out to the parish or religious communities they grew up in.
Luis expressed their experience in a church by stating “You do not understand what it is like. To be involved in a community physically but not spiritually… It’s so hard to be part of a community that preaches against you. The sad part of all of this is the fact that it's not necessarily the bible but rather the people.” Here, they demonstrate the social isolation they face within the community.
Both Franklin and Luis shared similar experiences when it came to expressing their sexuality within their religious settings. One of these similarities included the feeling of being an outcast or being socially isolated in a religious community. Being socially isolated in this community is very rare since in most cases the Church is usually seen as a second home in where someone can feel safe. However, this feeling of social isolation is apparent within the LGBTQ Latinx community. Unlike other groups of people, many Latinx people turn to the church to gain a sense of identity. Being part of a church gives the Latinx community a sense of belonging since the church does not discriminate in accordance to legal status and in turn offers help and guidance through hard times.
Not only are Latinx communities being discriminated in accordance to their legal status but being homosexual or anything other than heterosexual in the Latinx community can have a negative impact. Machismo ideologies are apparent in the church which is why many LGBTQ individuals who turn to the church end up being rejected from a place they one considered “safe.” Luis says: “I thought that I would be safe if I turned to the church, it sucks to say that I wasn’t, yo recibe el mismo trato como lo que me dio mi familia, especificamente mi papá.” Luis, like many who come out to in their parish, is not only socially isolated but shunned within their parish and families.
Luis also expressed how uncomfortable people were around them and how much the pastor of their church continuously told them that what they were doing was wrong, a sin, and unacceptable in the eyes of the Lord: “And that’s what I don’t get. Te dicen Dios te quiere, Dios te va perdonar because you know we’re all his children and everything but when I decide to love someone of the same sex it automatically means I’m going to hell. This is why many of us keep our sexual identity a secret and avoid telling anyone especially those from the church”. These individuals experience discrimination in regards to their sexual preference which is why we see low numbers of LGBTQ Latinx individuals in churches/ religious settings.
As a way to avoid social rejection, Franklin keeps their sexuality a secret and in many cases are seen renouncing their beliefs all together in order to keep sane. Giving up their spiritual or religious identity can be hard for some like Franklin who have grown up in a religious family or environment.
Identities In order to be sane, it is important to have a healthy, honest and balanced identity. When asked about how Luis and Franklin identify within their religious community, they both expressed how they tend to keep their true identity a secret due to the constant backlash they hear from most who attend their parish: “But how can you blame them. I mean I don't blame them. If you hear the things the pastor says about homosexuals and the way he says it you’ll understand why the people in the church have such a bad perception on us. I just wish they would be able to accept us for who we are." Keeping their identity a secret, such as Franklin, has further caused them to have "internal battles" with themselves: “I mean just because you identify yourself as part of that community doesn’t mean you’re part of that community. There are many cases in where I just listen and have an internal battle with myself when I hear individuals in the parish talk against people like me. Like why can't I be catholic and gay, what’s the big deal.” This backlash shapes their relationships with both Latinx identities and religion.
The difference between Luis and Franklin was that they handled their situations differently. Franklin saw their identity as a problem and were confused about whether or not their sexual preference will condemn them: “Sometimes I ask myself is there something really wrong with me? Does God really hate me because I love someone of the same sex? Because you know that's what I hear some people and family say. But then other times I find myself saying no, there's nothing wrong with me, I’ve done nothing wrong. Or have I?” As depicted in the article, “La Iglesia,” there is a constant battle that they face internally. This unhealthy balance leads many LGBTQ Latinx into depression and in denial of their sexuality which can lead to stress and suicide.
Those in the LGBTQ Latinx community who do stay with the church refuse to let their beliefs go because they see their faith as their last source of hope: “Yeah I could leave, nadie me dice que me tengo que quedar ahi, but you have to understand after growing up with these sets of beliefs it's hard to let go. No solo eso pero aunque algunos en la parroquia no me acepten, yo se que el Dios que yo conozco me va aceptar.” Yes, they get to stick to something they’ve known their whole life but this same thing has caused Luis and Franklin to deny part of themselves.
The Catholic LGBTQ Latinx community has a constant battle with themselves and argue whether or not they have any self worth or value: “When I find myself at 8:30 am mass on Sundays I look around and look at the faces of those who have hurt me not physically but verbally. I catch myself wondering whether or not there would be a day in where I can openly say ‘I’m Latino, I’m gay and I’m Catholic’ without receiving a look of disgust or disapproval.” Even though Luis and Franklin did not express thoughts of suicide, they did express how they had multiple urges of running away from “esa gente hipócrita.”
Family and Support We see that in most cases, LGBTQ Latinx identifying as Catholics are not accepted within their religious community and within their own families. However, it is important to point out that there are spiritual leaders within the catholic church that fully support LGBTQ Latinx communities. Since Pope Francis was heard saying "If a person is gay and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge?", many individuals accepting of the LGBTQ community in the church thought that the Catholic Church would have been more open to the idea of acceptingLGBTQ people within the parish. Unfortunately, this was not the case.
Those priests and pastors who have become more open to accepting these individuals however have had a positive impact on the lives of these individuals: “Cuando le dije al padre, I was ready to defend myself and I was honestly ready to hear his negative, machista comments. I made my appointment to see him and I waited. I needed to tell someone and Father was the last person I wanted to tell but he has seen me grow up so I thought maybe just maybe he’ll accept me pero a la misma ves me dije cómo va acceptar una persona como yo. He surprised me when he gave me a hug. Me. A gay latino men. He didn’t tell me that I was in the wrong or that I was going to hell like the pastor of the church, instead me dijo ‘you are and always will welcomed here’, gave me a blessing and said 'el senor esta contigo'. Something I haven't even heard my parents tell me since my coming out”. This outreach and acceptance helped Franklin to be accepting of two identities, their sexual and religious identities.
Not only is Franklin close to their religious practice but they take part in many of the parishes events: “Talking to father made me finally feel accepted and it's so relieving that I now have some to speak to, someone that doesn’t give me any dirty looks or tries to change me for who I am, pero alguien que sinceramente me quiere y se preocupa por mi.” This sense of belonging has given Franklin a sense of self worth and has helped them feel included in a community where they once felt excluded.
These accounts allow us to see how hard it can be for an individual to identify as Latinx Catholic and LGBTQ. It impacts the lives of many and we fail to see how important and beneficial support and religion can be in the lives of many people.
The misconception of religion is pushing young LGBTQ Catholics away and is not allowing them to be accepting of their identities, causing a unhealthy balance in the lives of these individuals. By taking the time to acknowledge these homophobia within Latinx and Catholic communities, we can and will influence the people of the Church to change their beliefs about their LGBTQ Catholic brothers and sisters.
Franklin. Personal Interview. April 18, 2018. New York, New York Luis. Personal Interview. April 22, 2018. New York, New York